anatomy of a breakup. part 1. panic.

Panic is a mix of denial and desperation. You can't change what's occurred, but you really can't face that, not right now. All you want to do is run until your lungs give out, or get on a plane and fly home to the arms of your mother (who knows, in her heart of gold, that you're going to be just fine), or hear the words come out of your best friend's mouth, "Cry it out baby, 'cause you're going to be okay."

Your heart races and you seem completely unable to control what happens with your body. You may feel faint, and you'll sob hysterically. There will be these tiny, shining moments of lucidity, where you remember that everything's going to be alright, in between the crying, but they will be fleeting for now. Your head will ache and your eyes will swell. You may or may not feel like you are drowning, like you can't shake it off. It clings to you like high humidity, refusing to let the tears dry, refusing to let you breathe.

(Just so you don't think this is the complete bottoming-out of depression, because it's not, I'll leave you with a quote from my mother after we talked for hours tonight, 1am her time: "The next time you meet someone, would you just ask them straight up, 'Are you an alcoholic?' Could you just do that?")

There is just panic. Because you'll be alone. Because that was the person you were supposed to marry. That was the person with whom your future belonged. Which means, by proxy, in your desperate brain, that you no longer have a future. This, of course, is something you'll get past, but at the moment it's all-consuming. Who will mow the lawn? Who will smile at you when you come home from work? Who will take you out for dinner on your birthday? Who will surprise you with a back massage after a long week?

Right now, no one. You're alone. You're going to be alone for a while. You will need to learn to wake up without someone rolling over and putting their arm across your chest. You will need to learn to go to bed without hearing, "I love you." You will need to cry by yourself when you've had a bad day at the office. You will have no one to comfort, no one to uplift, no one to make love to. And so you feel the desperation of panic rise up in your lungs, squeeze your throat, and wreck your brain.

This is the first part of the breakup. It's one of the hardest, so do your best to get through it.

blargh.

Well, what can I really say? My significant other has officially moved out, though we have not split up, and I was actually feeling pretty good about it for a couple of days until we went to a wedding reception together tonight. What an absolutely stupid idea. What the hell was I thinking?

Needless to say, I got all mopey and depressed and, actually, downright mad. I get cranky when things don't go my way. This whole situation is a serious lesson in letting go of my need to control things, because there's really no controlling the disintegration of a relationship and the ensuing chaos. I don't know if we have any hope. I don't know if we have any chances left. And now I'm feeling crappy about it.

To be honest, the last couple of days have been nice - they're peaceful, calm, and quiet. There's no arguing, no let downs, no going-to-bed-crying. I play with the dog, work on my projects, and clean the house. Last night I even went to a party on my own, which was mostly fun. I'm always that geek standing alone until I've had enough booze to get social with strangers.

The mere thought of work exhausts me. I don't know why. I feel like I just want a week off to sleep in every morning, lounge around the house, go for hikes, work on my nature blog, craft, and feel. If I could afford my bills for two months, I think I'd pack up and go home for a while to spend time with my mom.

At any rate, it's late and I need to get to sleep. Boo. Weekends are way too short.

irony.

Here's irony for you. I'm blogging on my other blog, but stop to add a post to this blog, because, well, I think one day I'll look back at these posts and smile. Or maybe not, who the hell knows.

I just needed to say that no matter what's going on, no matter how horrible life can be, there are always these tiny shining moments that fill your heart up with love so big it feels like it's going to burst.

What's my moment? What's the cause for saying such things?

It's this four-legged, Frito-smelling beast that has his head smashed up against my ass, twitching in puppy dreams, and - the best part - snoring like an old man. And I am so overwhelmed with love and joy right now that I'm having a hard time not crying. Thanks, Whatever You Are Out There.

Universe: 1, me: 0

moving along.

Things are moving along. Slowly, but surely. I'm feeling the urge to get a thunderstorm tattooed on my wrist; thunderstorms are so heavy and violent and powerful, but when they pass, the sun comes out, rainbows pop up, and the earth is refreshed by the rain. They're a symbol of power and hope for me, and I need a little of that right now.

My significant other is moving out. We haven't worked out the details yet, but we spent a good hour sobbing in each other's arms the other night and decided that, rather than calling the whole thing off and going separate ways, maybe just separating physically would give us both time to breathe and figure out what we need. It's scary and sad and big, but it's movement, and movement is so important.

I've been trying to be more aware of my bills, too. I sent away for another credit card that offers a year and a half without APR on balance transfers, and I really need that to get ahead on my credit card; I hope it helps. Now my payments will go to the principle. I also called around car insurances today and ended up discovering that what I pay isn't too high, and I actually have really good coverage. I'll only be able to lower it by just a couple dollars a month (I pay monthly rather than every 3/6 months) but it's something.

I had an absolute explosion of joy the other night: I sold something on my Etsy shop. TO A TOTAL STRANGER. You'd think that last part isn't terribly important, but it is. Friends are good people and they support you, but a total stranger (on the other side of the country no less) doesn't know you and YET SHE STILL BOUGHT A YOGA MAT BAG. God, I'm just stoked.

I've also decided to start another blog. It's completely about nature, and once it's up and running it will feature current news, articles, activities, and hopefully photo contests and that kinda thing. It's really a response to the fact that at my job, our useless ED won't let us have a blog to keep updates about things that go on there. So, I thought well fuck it, I'll do it on my own. There are no names so I can't be affiliated with my job site, but it's fun to write about something I really love.

At the moment, I'm just trying to stay afloat. My best friend on this coast is leaving for Morocco in just a few weeks and I'm kinda devastated. She's so incredibly amazing; at the drop of a hat, she's ready to go anywhere and do anything with me. We spent an awesome weekend in Sequoia National Park, we picked huckleberries together, and she's going to teach me how to make blueberry jam. This woman has been both my best friend and a mother to me out here. I'm really gonna freaking miss her. But I'm also excited for her to have a big adventure.

Sorry to those of you following along if this post is just painfully mundane; I'm just trying to keep my head above water high enough to see my next move. Thanks for reading. :) Also, if you're interested in the nature blog, shoot me a comment or a message (@gmail) and I'll send you the link.

Hope everyone has some sunshine to enjoy...