anatomy of a breakup. part 5. intermittent crying.

I hate this part. This is the part where you'll be walking the dog, or making breakfast, or washing dishes, and all of a sudden you just completely fall apart. It's the thought of her smile, or that I had her next to me every night as I slept, or the way the dog would take her out at the knees in the backyard, or any other of the 8 trillion memories two people create when they're together.

Some of it's anger, too. There's always some anger. Focusing on the anger keeps me from dialing the numbers, but doesn't keep me from the irrevocable sadness. The intermittent crying is exhausting. Your face dries out, scales, your eyes are red and irritated, your hair goes unwashed and you avoid people's eyes outside of your home. It's a normal part, but probably one of the worst.

After this part, the ache is just inside the chest; it doesn't come flowing out with a cry or a scream or a sob. But, you can never tell how long this part will last. And if you hold back the crying, if you choose to not let it flow, you can expect a longer recovery. Just go turn up the music, or turn on the hairdryer, crush a tear-stained photo between your fingers, and cry until you want to pass out. It'll feel better afterwards. For a while.