Dark Day.

A few days ago I was walking a dog at the Humane Society and felt something happen in my lower back. I don't know how to describe it, other than a 'shift' - it felt as though something moved. Since then, I've had consistent discomfort in the same areas that I had before my surgery to remove the herniated disc material. Essentially, I'm worried that I have reherniated the same disc.

Why is this causing such outright depression from the moment I awake in the morning? Well, because last year was so fucking terrible that, at one point, I thought about death and felt such relief that I wept right then and there. That's how bad life was. The pain was unbearable and kept me from performing even the simplest of tasks without trouble, and there was an 8 day period where I literally could not stand up or walk. I took Percocet every 4 hours on the dot and spent that week on the sofa. If it was not for Erin, I would not have eaten. In fact, if it weren't for Erin, I probably would not be here right now.

Fortunately I was awarded a free surgery from a local medical volunteer organization. I left the hospital that day in more joy than I'd felt in four months - the pain was gone. Since then I've been getting more and more active and recovering what was lost of my life. I don't think anyone really realizes just how bad this past winter was. Except for Erin.

So to wake up with discomfort in the same place and have strange new sensations is really pissing in my cornflakes. Not to mention I'm unemployed and have no health insurance. 

I could just throw up.

This is a silly rant.

I realize there are more important things to talk about on a blog, but I really need to vent my aggravations towards modern cookbooks right now.

Being a conscientious omnivore has its serious setbacks - including that, for the most part, cookbook-searching is limited to vegetarian publications. I can't just round up a side of beef or a few chicken breasts for an evening, so my recipe selection more often involves tofu and cheese.

Sometimes the cook calls for items that I do not have. A cast-iron skillet, for example, or a pizza stone. Sure, you can do without these items, but you're left feeling a little like your food will turn out mediocre instead of how good they say it will.

The problem with most cookbooks is that they are written by well-intentioned cooks. Maybe this is obvious, but I am not a cook. Therefore I do not have access, as cooks do in big cities, to the variety of international ingredients often gracing the pages. True, these recipes often sound delicious and I would love to try them out, but I'm not roaming all over God's creation to find these items. 

Furthermore, many recipes call for a very small amount of a certain ingredient - say fresh cilantro. Cilantro, where I live, does not come in 1/4 cup servings - it comes in a bunch weighing about .5-1 pound. Most of it, sadly, ends up going to waste. You can only have so much dried herb, and that's if you remember you have a pound of herb in the fridge before it goes all black and gross. 

These two factors - the not-easy-to-locate ingredients and the ones that will sit around in a house like mine - frustrate me if for no other reason than because on a limited budget, wasting food makes me nauseous. We are a simple people. We want simple recipes. Something like, "50 Ways to Eat a Potato" or "50 Ways to Eat a Noodle." Something written by people who do not get paid to cook - who work all day and want something healthy but easy to make and simple ingredients-wise. Maybe a cookbook where there are two or three recipes in a row that use most of the same ingredients so you can be sure to use everything. 

Someone like myself also needs an easy introduction into other types of food groups. Growing up, we had pasta, pan-heated vegetables, and meat - usually meatballs, pork-chops, or chicken breasts. This did not prepare me for something like "frisee salad with lemon-miso dressing." It sounds good, but upon reading the title, I couldn't tell you what the hell it is.

Erin is a potato and Indian food person. I am a pasta and pizza type person. I just want something with a bread factor, a tomato factor, and a cheese factor. I realize this is a terrible way to eat all the time (so I don't), but what could possible be better than these three foods together? 

I know this is stupid. I can't help it. We try to make interesting food all week long so we're not always eating the same stuff, but going through these cookbooks makes me want to tear my hair out sometimes. I suppose this is the price you pay if you want to eat healthy and keep the food choices fresh at the same time. I promise I'll keep trying.

Zounds.

So I've been inspired by my best friend to start using this blog as a platform for writing about things I know about or love. Problem is, I'm one of those common Americans plagued with, well, liking too many damn things. My brain is constantly a mishmash of unmatching ideas. I have no consistent direction. I can't seem to hold a steady job for more than three months lately. I have no idea what to do or where I'm going.

Here's an example.

Things I wish I could do with my life right now:

1. Be a wildlife biologist.

2. Be a wildlife rehabilitator.

3. Be an interior designer.

4. Be a graphic artist.

5. Be a writer, both fiction and non-fiction.

6. Rescue and rehabilitate dogs, namely pit bulls.

7. Have my own sewing business.

8. Working for myself.

9. Have a farm where I can produce vegetables, fruit, dairy, and meat products for myself and to sell to others.

10. Form my own tribal community.

11. Work for a cause. What cause? I have no idea.

Things I'm interested in:

1. The origins of our food and conscious eating.

2. Native American spirituality.

3. Massage therapy and other gentle, healing modalities.

4. Art quilting.

5. Helping veterans.

6. Rehabbing "problem" dogs/dog psychology.

7. Locating my strength as an artist.

8. Nature.

9. Animals. More than anything, animals, animals, animals.

10. The ethics of shopping and eating locally.

11. Dream interpretation, the effects of energy in our personal environment, self-manifestation.

12. Human rights, especially in terms of race and sexual orientation. 

Okay, that's what I can come up with off the top of my head anyway. Picking and choosing what to write about seems almost like more of a headache than it's worth, but if you, my whole 2 readers, have any suggestions, please put them forward. 

I've come to this realization that I may have gone in entirely the wrong direction with my life; this passion for animals that I have cannot manifest itself in many ways, save for the occasional volunteering at the local Humane Society to walk dogs and the few people in the community that I worked with to rehabilitate their dogs. (ha! I'd forgotten I'd even done that! sweet!) I'm going to massage school having had this realization, but also keeping in mind that I'm not especially stupendous at math and sciences; I'm good at ecology, but once we hit numbers, my attention span takes a nose dive. Biology, if nothing else, is a science, and so I am left wondering if my talents lie elsewhere. For now, I am happy to interpret animals and the lessons that they have for our lives.

Wow, I don't even know where I'm going with this. I suppose if I write anything, it will help to accomplish one of those items on my list, the wanting to be a writer of some sort. Maybe I'll just give it a shot?