Today.

Here's making up for the almost-month that I wrote nothing!

Well, there's a job I want, and potentially a house I want, and so of course I am fighting the anxiety that usually overwhelms me at the drop of a hat. At least now I'm aware of the anxiety, can see it coming, can try and defend myself against its tight little fingers. 

The job is a naturalist position, essentially the only kind of job I really want right now, and I will tell you that they are few and far between. I am gathering my references, thinking up a compelling cover letter, and planning to visit in about week to drop off my application. These kinds of things always terrify me: there is a side of life that we manifest, that we produce, just by thinking a certain way and putting our energy into certain pursuits. There is also the 'fate' side, in which we really have no control over things and the cards are dealt at (seemingly?) random. What I mean by this is this: do I pray and focus focus focus all my energy on getting this job to manifest it into my life, or do I just do my best and let the cards be dealt? If I put all my energy into it, I may be wasting my time - if it's not meant to be, it won't be. A lot of people think that's a cop out, but I don't see it that way. My opinion is that there are forces (and I'm not necessarily talking 'god' here) beyond our perception and ability to conceive, that move independently of us. There was a time in our history that we were more aware of them (if we only use 11% of our brains, imagine what life would be like at 80%) but for now, we are not. 

I respect these forces. I am a bacterium on the ass of an elephant, in terms of relativity. So I let them do what they need to do - but I put in my two cents. (Those of you who know me.. well, this is really no surprise.) So the hope inside my chest has been growing and squeezing me. 

Secondly, there is this house. With a few exceptions, it's everything we want. The exceptions are these: a little pricier than we were hoping, not on the West Side (closer to school and downtown). Gee, I thought there were more.. oh well. The upsides? There are many. Wood floors, a fireplace, under $800/month, any breed of dog allowed, washer/dryer included, garage for bike storage, two rooms, and the kicker? A yard twice the size of the house itself. Which is, in Bend, essentially unheard of. Landlord also seems like a pleasant man. Also off the main street and still in biking distance to downtown. Not notably closer to the college, but I'm wondering if we ever had a shot at finding an affordable two bedroom house on the majorly expensive West Side with any hope of having a pit bull. At any rate.. I just can't get over the size of the yard - I think my jaw might have dropped when I saw it. The landlord also said he would consider knocking some off the deposit in return for landscaping work, since they're redoing the landscaping. 

Well, Erin comes home tomorrow. I could have peed with joy. When you have friends or family within your immediate vicinity, it's not so bad to be left alone for two weeks. But when you don't.. it can be torture.