raven spoke to me tonight, but as usual, I can't understand what he's said. he was up in the tree and when I squawked back, he lifted up and flew off. then, there were two dancing back and forth in the sky together.
wine heals. I have forgotten my sadness and, at the same time, am ready to be bedded. dangerous territory. cinnamon for dinner, and hopefully the dreams will speak to me.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Sunday, September 5, 2010
anatomy of a breakup. part 4. new.
Do not underestimate the power of new right now. If your room is the same as when your lover went away, it is time to change. This is a new time in your life, and you should attempt to celebrate the newness in small ways. Don't go too big; this is not the time for great, large change - you already have enough on your plate. It is time for small changes. It is time for reclaiming some small piece of yourself, if not your own totality.
Change your room. Buy several new things, whether they are new or used. Put into a box all things that remind you of the way things were. You do not need to throw these things out, only remove them from sight so that you can focus on the next.
This is a good time to consolidate the things you want or need, and dispose of the things you no longer have a use for. After all, your heart is being purged - so go ahead and purge your material items. It will help things to flow. Purification on the inside can be aided by purification on the outside.
There is no end to the value of treating yourself to new things right now. They do not have to be new, expensive things; they only need to be reaffirming of who you are. A new blanket, a new frying pan, a new bookcase with a new scarf laid over its top. A few new or used books, a new album, some fresh flowers on your dresser. Hang up those photos or paintings that have been sitting neglected for months or years. Perhaps a new pair of earrings and a new blouse.
Reclaim your space and your identity; when we are with another, these things get lost in the space of "I love you" and "We are one," when, truly, we are only two wholes living side by side. We forget this. It is time to remember your wholeness. Surround yourself with beauty. Surround yourself with things that make you feel comfortable, at home, and reinforce your inherent wholeness.
Reclaim you.
Change your room. Buy several new things, whether they are new or used. Put into a box all things that remind you of the way things were. You do not need to throw these things out, only remove them from sight so that you can focus on the next.
This is a good time to consolidate the things you want or need, and dispose of the things you no longer have a use for. After all, your heart is being purged - so go ahead and purge your material items. It will help things to flow. Purification on the inside can be aided by purification on the outside.
There is no end to the value of treating yourself to new things right now. They do not have to be new, expensive things; they only need to be reaffirming of who you are. A new blanket, a new frying pan, a new bookcase with a new scarf laid over its top. A few new or used books, a new album, some fresh flowers on your dresser. Hang up those photos or paintings that have been sitting neglected for months or years. Perhaps a new pair of earrings and a new blouse.
Reclaim your space and your identity; when we are with another, these things get lost in the space of "I love you" and "We are one," when, truly, we are only two wholes living side by side. We forget this. It is time to remember your wholeness. Surround yourself with beauty. Surround yourself with things that make you feel comfortable, at home, and reinforce your inherent wholeness.
Reclaim you.
anatomy of a breakup. part 3. letting it flow.
Sadness is antithesis to what we desire in life, and so we resist it at every turn. This is a mistake. Sadness is a part of life, because without it, how could we truly understand joy? We couldn't. Many argue this point but it's futile - without hunger, you can't understand the true joy of satiation. Having been without air for mere moments, you can't truly appreciate the act of breathing. Only through being lonely can we appreciate the true joy of companionship.
So sadness comes, and we fight it. The loneliness, the future-that-fell-apart, the fear-of-new, the apprehension that accompanies finding oneself - all is tied up with sadness. Instead of fighting it, let it flow through you. Stop trying to distract yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop feeling the fear and the sickness of the sadness and the pain. Imagine you are a small faucet, and turn the knob. Let the sadness flow through you like the cleansing waters of a snowmelt stream. Let it flow through your eyes, your mouth, your throat - scream, cry, exhaust yourself to the point of deep sleep. Imagine the worst and allow the pain to move through you, from top to bottom. When you stop resisting, the pain can move through and OUT of you in a complete way. Let yourself mourn. Let yourself cry. Let yourself feel the fear and desolation of the separation. Play sad music and cry yourself to sleep. You will refortify soon.
Then, stand before the mirror and acknowledge that without the deep sadness you are experiencing, you would never understand the joy that you have known with your lost lover. You would never understand the future joy that you will know with the next. Let the sadness move through you, and the sadness will leave you.
To be sure, it will come again, but only in increments. Soon, it will begin to fade. Now it seems fatal, but it's not; I promise. When you drop your walls to the ground and let the tidal wave rush you, the next joy comes closer. Do not resist. Let it flow. Face the deepest fear we have as humans and the strength will come.
Love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. - Rufus Wainwright
So sadness comes, and we fight it. The loneliness, the future-that-fell-apart, the fear-of-new, the apprehension that accompanies finding oneself - all is tied up with sadness. Instead of fighting it, let it flow through you. Stop trying to distract yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Stop feeling the fear and the sickness of the sadness and the pain. Imagine you are a small faucet, and turn the knob. Let the sadness flow through you like the cleansing waters of a snowmelt stream. Let it flow through your eyes, your mouth, your throat - scream, cry, exhaust yourself to the point of deep sleep. Imagine the worst and allow the pain to move through you, from top to bottom. When you stop resisting, the pain can move through and OUT of you in a complete way. Let yourself mourn. Let yourself cry. Let yourself feel the fear and desolation of the separation. Play sad music and cry yourself to sleep. You will refortify soon.
Then, stand before the mirror and acknowledge that without the deep sadness you are experiencing, you would never understand the joy that you have known with your lost lover. You would never understand the future joy that you will know with the next. Let the sadness move through you, and the sadness will leave you.
To be sure, it will come again, but only in increments. Soon, it will begin to fade. Now it seems fatal, but it's not; I promise. When you drop your walls to the ground and let the tidal wave rush you, the next joy comes closer. Do not resist. Let it flow. Face the deepest fear we have as humans and the strength will come.
Love is not a victory march. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah. - Rufus Wainwright
anatomy of a breakup. part 2. support.
It's important for you to have support during this time. In fact, it's one of the most important factors determining how strong you are. People like to poo-poo personal strength, as though it ALL has to come from within. Obviously that's bullshit. There is something to be said for mothers and best friends that understand the use of the words, "Everything is going to be okay," and other such phrases, like "It hurts, and it sucks, but you're going to be alright." Never, ever underestimate the power of the words, "it/you is/are going to be okay," because on your darkest day, you will need to remember that. You need to encapsulate it into your heart and remember that you are already whole, that any human being coming into your life can only complement what you are. There is no "completing" you, because you are already complete. There is no "perfect one," because many are perfect; in fact, all are perfect within the parameters of imperfection being perfection.
In this time, a friend that can empathize with you is paramount. Someone who knows the pain of love lost or love betrayed, that, simply by understanding, contributes to your own healing. That simply by being on the other end of the line passes over her own strength, to lift you up.
Support is there. You must find it. Even in your darkest moments, there is someone there. They will listen, hopefully they will tell you it will be alright, and they will hold your hand no matter how far away you happen to be.
Support.
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